What to Say (Or Not!) to a Bereaved Parent

I'm going back to work on December 1, and have been working with the HR office at work to prepare for my "re-entry." I offered to send a list of things not to say to a bereaved parent, and they took me up on it. In my research on the web, I also found a list of things that might be helpful to say to a mother or father who is grieving. If these lists look familiar, it's because I have borrowed bits and pieces of them from so many web sites I can no longer remember where I found them all. I believe most of the pieces came from these sites:

http://tcfcanada.net/2010/the-bereaved-parent/

http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?19-I-am-a-grieving-parent...what-NOT-to-say.

http://thebiggestloss.blogspot.com/2010/07/what-not-to-say-to-grieving-parent.html

I edited grammar where I decided it was necessary.

Feel free to copy this list if you need to.

Best Things to Say to a Bereaved Parent

1.    “I don’t know what to say.”

This is an honest, straightforward response to parents, which still acknowledges the loss. When friends and family do not mention the loss, it can feel like the child never existed.

2.    “You must miss [child’s name],” or “I was thinking about [child’s name] today.”

Use the child’s name as often as you would if he or she were alive. He/she still lives in the hearts of their parents.

3.    “How is today going?”

This is a great alternative to “how are you.”

4.    “Do you have a picture of your child?” Or, “What was your child like?”

For the parents, whatever the age of their child, his or her life had meaning. When you ask about the child, it reinforces the fact that they played an important role in the family.

5.    “How are the other children?”

It is important to acknowledge their grief process as well.

6.    “Would you like to get coffee/go to lunch and talk about it? If you want to share, I am willing to listen.”

Often times, bereaved parents want to share the story. If you are strong enough to hear the details, and can listen without judging, your kindness will be appreciated.

What NOT to Say to a Bereaved Parent

1.    “You can have more children.”

All a bereaved parent really wants is to have his or her child back. You can't replace one child with another.

2.    "Be glad he was only [insert young age] and not [insert older age],” or, “He/she was only a baby.”

Length of time does not determine the size of a parents’ love, and a short life does not make the loss less painful.

3.    “It’s been [x] [days, weeks, months, etc.], get over it/move on, etc,” or, “Are you feeling better?”

A grieving parent will forever carry the heartache of losing his or her child. They might not ever say that they feel better. They might just feel “different.” Life after the loss of a child is often called the “new normal.”

4.    “He’s in a better place”

Most often, the bereaved parents simply feel that the best place for their child was in their home.

5.    “I know how you feel….my [husband/wife, mother/father, aunt/uncle, sister/brother, dog/cat] just passed away.”

When a child dies, the parent is left to grieve the future; they grieve first steps, graduation, wedding etc. Losing a child is very different from losing anyone else. If you actually have experienced the death of a child, share your story, and be patient with the grieving parent while he/she shares with you. This is often his/her favorite subject.

6.    “Thank God you have other children,” or, “Count your blessings with your older child/children.”

No one can ever replace the lost child—he/she was a unique individual even if only a tiny baby. It is true that when the energy for life is restored, there are activities and experiences the surviving children provide for bereaved parents.

7.    "It was God's will," or, “God wanted him/her,” or, "This was meant to be," or, “Things happen for a reason.”

It’s not your place to speak for God, and ultimately these kinds of comments make bereaved parents wonder why they were singled out for this kind of anguish and heartache.

8.    “Your child would not want to see you so sad.”

As with the question above, it’s not your place to speak for the dead child.

9.    “Why aren’t you back at work yet,” or, “You should go back to work,” or, “I’m surprised you took so much time off,” or, “You didn’t take enough time off.”

Grief is different for every individual. There is no magical time frame for returning to work.

10. “You should [fill in with advice].”

If the bereaved parent wants advice, even from someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one (even the loss of a child), he or she will ask for it.